A Female's Guide: Saying NO

' respectfully but firmly '

Saying no to that stranger at the park who continued to persistently ask for my number. Saying no to my boss who continued to politely ask as a 'favor' if I could stay extra minutes or hours with little or no compensation. Saying no to that waiter in the restaurant who got away with treating me unfairly just because I didn't speak the local language and was deemed as incompetent. These are all real life scenarios that I have had to put up with within the span of the last 6 months, and I wasn't able to say no in any of them. The first feeling I get when I reflect on these happenings is a big wave of shame.

I don't have to spell it out for you but here it goes. Saying no is H-A-R-D. Especially if you're like me, I believe that on our planet there is already so much tension, angst, anger and battle amongst our kind and towards other species as well. As a human being I have unofficially and subconsciously made a pact with myself that if confrontation and disagreement isn't absolutely necessary then it won't be something that i'll act on. I can think of times where i've sacrificed my self respect so I'd come across as likable and approachable. Still, what didn't seemed to be clear in my mind when presented with all these scenarios previously mentioned was the question: When does taking action and saying no become "absolutely necessary"?

*wrong answer buzzer sound effect*

Yup, that was a trick question. In our heads why should we ever feel like the boundaries are already being crossed before we even consider saying no. Feeling as we should take 3 steps back, when we've already been persuaded to taking another 5 steps forward. Why can't we say no when we get that initial gut feeling that we don't actually want to be put in this situation in the first place?

As a female living in the 21st century there are certain expectations set up for us, as a gender. It goes without saying that it's preferred for us to be polite, delicate, soft-spoken, and agreeable. If this isn't the case we can easily be taken for someone who, god forbid, is stubborn, hot-headed, bossy, controlling or dare I say HORMONAL. The mix of these ideal characteristics of women being heavily portrayed in movies, films, books and us being creatures who seek acceptance and some sense of belonging. It's now easy to understand why women are going to be encouraged to say YES even if she actually wants to say no.

So that being said how can we as a gender learn how to say no? Sounds funny right? We never had to learn how to say YES. Easy explanation, that's because they hardwired that command into our brains when they built us in the labs. ahaha just kidding lets get serious:

STEP ONE: First things first we have to accept that there is always going to be people on this Earth who will want to take advantage of kindness and willingness. I had to come to terms with this and it wasn't easy at all. Of course this isn't a black or white situation. It's always best to assume people have good intentions behind their actions and words. However, keeping in mind that there will be a few encounters where this won't be case, will allow you to be less caught off guard when approached by someone you're GOING TO HAVE TO SAY NO to.

STEP TWO- How to actually say it: Now that we got that in our head we gotta learn how to say that two letter tongue twister of a word: N-O. But we can't just say it, we gotta spell it out for them! All whilst being respectful but firm. Don't feel like you have to fully explain yourself, going on a long rant explaining why you've chosen to say no. Instead here are some go to phrases that I personally would opt for when presented with a situation i'd rather avoid:

- "NO, I don't think I'd be comfortable with that."

- "NO, sorry that won't fit my schedule at this time."

- "Sadly, I can't help with that"

- our just cut to the chase and use my personal favorite: no

STEP THREE- Know your worth: As mentioned previously wanting to say yes all the time can, and has been correlated with a lack of self-esteem. Reminding yourself of your value and worth can easily bring you back to reality and realize that saying no isn't a crime and you have all the right to do so. For example, when respectfully declining your colleague's proposal of staying an extra two hours at the office to help them out with a project. You should consciously make the decision to stay neutral when they get upset at you or even go as far as to insult you. In contrast, if you WERE to have chosen to stay those extra 2 hours, you would also stay neutral. Already aware of your self-worth despite how many times they thank you and start complementing you on what a wonderful and selfless human you are. Bottom line is no matter what the scenario is, when you leave your front door each morning to go do whatever it is you do with your life. Make sure you have a stable and solid sense of yourself, so no one and I MEAN NO ONE can shake or make it tumble to the ground. Imagine your idea of your self-worth as a tower. You build it up throughout your life, with more experience and self-reflection it gets taller and taller. From time to time there will be earthquakes that shakes it up a little bit. But you want to make the foundation of your tower so strong that hardly any earthquake can affect it.

STEP FOUR- Stick to your final decision: Lastly, do not allow them to have the power of persuasion over you. Sticking to your one answer and your one answer only shows you have integrity and credibility. This should make it clear to them that your serious and nothing can change your mind. YOU SHOW THEM SISTA!

Alright human beings that's my personal female guide to saying no respectfully but firmly. If you have any more tips and tricks on how to deal with these kinds of situations or want to share your experiences on how you finally didn't let the power of the word NO scare you anymore please don't hesitate to share down below. See you guys very soon and have a happy day.

-Cecily's Perspective